Revolving Cat Doors

We have two cats.
The mini kitty still thinks she's a dog. She wags her tail.
(No, our dog does not have a tail. I have no idea where she learned that trick!)
The cats like to go outside.
Not to run and be free.
Not to chase bugs or blowing leaves or other creepy crawly things.
They like to go out, because when they come in, they think the "food fairy" will have left them a full bowl.
Silly kitties.
The "food fairy" only comes twice a day.
So, they ask go out - okay, umm ask is putting it nicely. They whine until we can't take it and we throw (umm I mean let) them out.
They sit on the deck for 30 seconds. We've timed them. (Yes, we need a life!)
Then they scratch at or climb the french door and whine until we open it.
Once the door is open, they run in and jump up to their food bowl.
It is still empty. It is not dinner time. They already had breakfast...
Darned food fairy didn't show up again?! You should see the dirty looks we get!!
Then the whole thing starts over.
Once in a while, they figure out that the "food fairy" is not delivering. They turn to other forms of torture:
They curl up on my desk. They make room for themselves by pushing my stuff off of my desk. Yes, that is extremely helpful.
They walk on the counter and across Mr.'s keyboard... another very helpful thing that is not at all appreciated.
They taunt the dog.
They taunt the children.
Then they ask to go out.
History repeats itself... over and over and over.. all day long.
Anyone need a tail wagging, door climbing, dog taunting cat?